SlutWalk 2012 - The Messy Issue of Consent

Content and language warning.

I recently came across this post regarding Melbourne SlutWalk 2012 from a friend on facebook:

"SlutWalk: I have no desire to "reclaim the word" but like many women I have had liberties taken with my person and am no stranger to coercion, violence, victim-blaming, shame, silence. I'm marching on Saturday. You should too."

This got me thinking about sexual assault and sexual violence and the attitudes with which it is perpetrated in our society.

I have often been asked what attracts me to the fetish scene and in part I think it is the black and white notions of consent within the community at large.  I am not saying sexual violence isn't perpetrated in the community that would be a ridiculously naive assertion, however, because of the risks inherent in some kinds of play consent is a very serious issue.  Consent is given in an unequivocal way prior to any play commencing. This is a great way of heading off the old epigram that 'all sex is rape until proven otherwise'.

I have attended fetish events across two continents and they are the safest I have ever felt on a night out.  I would not think twice about entering a fetish event by myself, would I do that in an ordinary club? No way.

The rules at Hellfire in Sydney very quickly illustrate why this is the case:

"Top 6 Ways to Ruin Your Night at Hellfire
1) Touch anyone without express permission and we throw you out.
2) Insult anyone about their appearance or kink and we throw you out. This is a place that celebrates all ages, shapes, sizes and sexualities.
3) If you’re a guy DON’T HIT ON WOMEN. Let them approach you. Many women are lesbians. Many are not interested. If we get complaints about men being too predatory, we throw you out." (This rule works in reverse too)

These are only the first three rules at Hellfire (and there are close variations at every event I've ever been to) but boy do they make a difference, of all the various events I have attended, fetish and otherwise, it is only at fetish events that I have never had someone try and take liberties with me. An incident  at the London event 'Subversion' illustrates this better than I think anything else could;

On this particular night I was recovering from a cold and my corset was too tight, combined with the heat from the playroom I soon began to feel quite unwell.  My boyfriend who was with me steered me out into the bar area and while I was cooling off he went to fetch me a drink.  Moments later I was half passed out on a bench from heat and constriction.
Dangerous?  In a regular club certainly, I would have been lucky to come out unfondled.  At this event I was shaken awake by a transexual I'd met earlier in the night.  She sat with me until she was sure I was going to be fit to get to the bathroom and loosen my corset.  She also went to the bar to let my boyfriend know where I'd gone when I raced off to the bathroom to unlace my corset.
In a regular club I would have left as soon as I began to feel compromised, whether from heat, alcohol or illness.  At this event I was not only did I not feel the need to escape I was looked after by a total stranger.

Futhermore, to de-bunk the slut-shaming mythology of 'dressed for consent' as a general rule I have far less on at these events than I do on a regular night out.  It doesn't matter, if consent is not expressly given; hands off.

Conversely, nearly everytime I have been out to a 'regular' nightclub I have had to fend off unwelcome advances, often physical, often more than once, from people (usually men) who seem to think my mere presence in a nightclub is an act of consent.  This is a dangerous attitude and one that I find deeply disturbing. 

During my first year at university I read an amazing book 'How Dangerous Men Think: and how to stay safe for life' the mentalities detailed in this book of men who were being prosecuted for 'date rape' (in itself a loaded term) seem alarmingly prevalent in people who make repeated, unwelcome, physical advances in nightclubs.

Recently on a night out I was assaulted standing in an audience.  I am going to continue using the term assaulted despite the fact the act could also be termed 'tickling', it was unwlecome and perpetrated on my person without consent, as such it is still an assault.

I was watching a friend on mine perform in Drag Idol, I was in a well known gay bar and as such I'd made a not entirely unreasonable assumption that I'd be safe from unwelcome male advances for the most part.  I was also in a large group of women, the majority of us giving off decidely uninterested signals.  All was going well and we were being left alone.
Then the show started, we headed down into the audience to watch.  I felt something brush my leg, it happens in a crowd, I brushed my hand over the back of my leg to let whoever it was know I'd felt it and they might like to back off a little.  It happened again.  Now I was getting annoyed, this time I swatted whoever it was and heard someone behind behind me say 'Ow'.
You'd think that would be the end of it, clearly consent was not given, but no.  It happened again, this time the assualt was a 'tickling' gesture at the top of my thigh as the bloke behind me tried to slide his finger up the back of my shorts.
That was it, I turned on the guy behind me and put my fist under his nose, he was grinning at me, I felt violated.  How dare this person conside that they could take advantage of the closeness and anonymity of the crowd to 'cop a feel' (yet another term for sexual assault).  I believe I said something along the lines of Don't touch me again'. Quite clearly I was upset, his response?  He laughed.  How ever I am not a shinking violet, I leant in closer and followed up with 'I'm not kidding, you come near me again and I'll break your f*cking fingers'.  Now he backs off.
I'm sure his justification was some purile version of 'she was dressed for it' but I don't care.  I was dressed for myself, not for him or anyone else.  Short shorts, tight jeans, skirts, fishnets etc DO NOT equal consent, EVER.

This was a minor incident, yes, but what worries me is the plethora of people out there who don't recognise these behaviours for what they are.  An insidious assault on another person, intiating contact with another person after it has been made clear that, that contact is unwelcome, or more worryingly treating it like a joke, something to be laughed off. Anyone who laughs after perpetrating a sexual assault scares me.